I haven't documented my pregnancy the way that I thought I would. I haven't blogged about it other than this "checking in" post. I haven't taken weekly—or even monthly—"bump" photos. I haven't written anything in my journal.
Let the mom guilt begin!
I'm surprised that I haven't been writing or taking photos, and I do feel a bit of... regret's not the right word, at least, I don't regret anything right now, but maybe later I will. I do feel the need to record the details somewhere, but that feeling hasn't been strong enough to actually make me take action, other than typing quick thoughts and memories into a note titled "What I want to remember" on my phone.
Maybe someday I'll write the details of everything I remember—finding out we were pregnant, our feelings and reaction, the doctor appointments, etc—somewhere, whether it be here or my journal. But for now, here are those notes:
Peeing on the stick and the second line appearing immediately. Asking Tony, "Babe, can you come in here? I'm not sure if I did this right, but..."
Taking another test the next morning and the line appearing immediately again.
Waking Tony up to tell him, "We're having a baby!" and him kissing me and falling back asleep.
Seeing the little appleseed on the ultrasound and realizing we're having a baby, really.
Googling every symptom and feeling because I worried so much. (This actually usually made me feel better.)
Falling asleep between 7 and 8:30 every night and sleeping in until 6:30 every morning and taking a nap every lunchtime during the first trimester.
Feeling nauseous every morning and every night and most afternoons.
How hard it was to keep a secret from almost everyone.
Eating tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, pasta, hamburgers and fries, pizza, and clementines almost exclusively for weeks because that's all I wanted/could handle.
Sobbing because T "bought the wrong kiiiiiind of tomatooooo sooooup."
Not being able to stand salmon for weeks; even photos of it would make me gag.
T getting excited as soon as we saw the baby on the screen at the 12-week ultrasound; me getting excited when we saw it move. (I had been so worried something would go wrong.)
Sitting in a taxi with T, on our way to brunch, and me saying, "It's amazing what we get used to. I mean, if I felt this sick before I was pregnant, I'd be on the couch, but now I'm like, 'I feel okay! Let's go to brunch!'"
Puking 3 times on the sidewalk walking home from that brunch.
Seeing the baby yawn at 16 weeks! And relaxing with its arm behind its head.
Bedtime is my fave part of the day because that's when I almost always feel the baby.
Eating so much fruit, especially citrus.
T got me Haagen Dazs a few times.
T woke me up from a nap because he was rummaging through the drawer to get the camera because "we have to start taking photos!" (And then we never took photos.)
I couldn't stand the smell of his favourite soup noodles, so I wouldn't let him order them and the one time I did let him, I had to spend a few hours in the bedroom with the door closed.
When I told my principal I was pregnant, she said, "Your life is about to get so much better!"
Me at 10PM, in bed: "Can you get me the pickles?"
Me: "And cheese slices too!"
When T felt the baby move for the first time. I was 20 weeks, we were laying in bed at his parents' home during Chinese New Year, and I was like, "Woah!" and he was like, "I felt it!" His laugh and the look in his eyes was the best.
When he felt it again a few nights later. No less magical.
Not being able to fall asleep at T's parents' home and I asked him to sing (after I cried and swore and punched a pillow). He sang Adele and Don McLean and Bob Dylan and it was probably just a coincidence, but baby started to move around. (And then I fell asleep.)
Finding out it's a girl! I teared up. Almost immediately thought of the song "Daddy's Girl" by Red Sovine.
The ultrasound technician telling us she has big eyes and a high nose, "beautiful like her mom."
The ultrasound technician telling us she was grabbing her foot.
We played "Daddy's Girl" for baby girl when we got home and she moved a lot!
I kept thinking, Tony's going to have a daughter. It wasn't until an hour later that I realized, I'M going to have a daughter.
FaceTiming T's parents to tell them and they were both on the screen and smiling and T's dad guessed, "It's a granddaughter!" (In Chinese, of course.) When T said yes, his dad smiled SO big; I've never seen him smile that big.
FaceTiming with my dad and him showing me the clothes he bought his granddaughter (including the cutest little yellow bathrobe).
Looking at clothes in GAP. T's smile and eyes, shining happy and proud, when I showed him the onesie that said "I'm Daddy's sunshine." And then when he said, "I'm a little excited" (which in T speak means very excited).
Buying that onesie and the one that said "I love my mommy and she loves me."
Every time T says, "It's a miracle!"
Packages from mom filled with baby and maternity clothes.
T begging me to drink milk: "Please, I want my daughter to have milk." And then I became addicted and drink at least 3 litres a week.
Receiving gifts from colleagues and friends as soon as they knew we were expecting.
Thinking, Baby Zhang is already so loved. We're so loved.
Tums, so many Tums.
My nipple leaking and me knowing right away, "Oh, this must be colostrum."
Simultaneously being anxious and amazed at how my body is changing.
Feeling baby girl move every morning and every night and more often throughout the day.
When Tony and I made up after an argument and hugged, baby girl kicked. T laughed and said, "I felt her!" I said, "She's saying, 'Group hug!'"
The giant package from dad—the first mail he's sent me since I moved to China—filled with baby clothes and books and toys.
All of the unsolicited advice and ridiculous comments and questions from people.
T taking care of all of the insurance/money stuff.
T waking me up because I was sleeping on my back.
Finally buying a pregnancy body pillow and sleeping through the night (other than my usual middle-of-the-night trip to the bathroom).
T waking me up because he was poking around my stomach, "I'm worried the pillow is squishing the baby!"
Me asking the doctor to tell Tony to not wake me up. The doctor showing Tony that my uterus is like a balloon and helping him feel it and assuring him that baby is safe.
T waking me up a few weeks later to tell me to get under the blankets because, "What if the baby's cold?" And then me yelling at him, "DON'T WAKE ME UP AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP WITHOUT YOU WAKING ME UP?"
Every morning when he wakes up and every evening when he gets home from work, T asks me, "How's my baby?"
T held my hand while I got a needle in the butt (yay, being Rh-negative) and told me I was strong (I think he was practicing for when I'm in labour). Then he said, "Tell me everything you're worried about, one-by-one, and we'll figure it all out" to calm me down when I couldn't stop silently crying because I felt anxious about everything and nothing.
Craving caesar salad with Kraft caesar dressing. Two different people bringing me a bottle of salad dressing from Canada.
T talking to my stomach, "Wǒ de bǎobèi guīnǚ..." (Translation: My baby daughter.)
T telling me, "Last night I couldn't fall asleep for like, 10 minutes, because you were cuddled up to me and she was kicking so much!"
A couple weeks later, I cuddled up to him in the morning and she woke us both up with her kicking.
Reading the weekly updates about baby and my body on the What to Expect app every Sunday.
Man, writing this all out makes me wish I had been blogging all along. I could have blogged about why we didn't go anywhere for Christmas, what my students said when they found out I was having a baby, all of the above in more detail...
Coulda, woulda, shoulda.
Weeks 6-12 crept by slowly, weeks 12-31 have flown by; I wonder how the next 9 will go. I have a feeling they will feel both so long and so short. We'll see...