And that's the thing: I almost never feel "normal" and I rarely feel entirely "good."
Not long before the panic attack.
The other day I read Morgan Shanahan's "Portrait of an Anxiety Spiral" and had all of the thoughts. It's not just me! Someone else feels like this, too. I'm so relieved someone could put this into words and it makes sense. I hope other people are able to understand.
Here's an excerpt:
Sometimes it creeps on me in my bed before I open my eyes. Other times, I get all the way through my morning routine before it kicks me swiftly in the backs of my knees, taking me down in one feel swoop of desperate confusion.
It always anchors in my self-esteem. I am stupid. I am lazy. I am fat. I am ugly. I am boring. I am annoying. I am obnoxious. I am ruining all our lives. I can not get my shit together. I think it, and then I silently yell at myself for thinking it, and now I’m having a fight with my own inner voice and it’s so loud I have to close my eyes.
The thing is, I don't even remember ever having a panic attack before. Maybe once in high school? My problem is just a general uneasiness. A feeling of I just don't feel like myself. And then, like, Morgan, I end up fighting myself.
Anyway, I don't want to bring things down around here, but I also don't want to paint a picture that everything is always happy happy joy joy.