Saturday, March 31, 2012

happy friday!

This isn't a typical "Happy Friday!" post, but more of a brain dump. It's Friday though, and I'm happy, so I'm gonna roll with it. 

Right now, I feel lighter than I have all week. I'm not sure why, but this week was tough. Nothing bad happened, my mind has just been whirling with thoughts. Unfortunately, most of them have been negative and self-doubting. 

I'm confused and feeling awkward about friendships. I feel out of shape even though I've been getting exercise every day. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm tired, feeling overwhelmed, and questioning everything. 

I actually called my mom Wednesday night and burst into tears as soon as she said, "Hi, honey!" When she asked what was wrong, a jumble of words, thoughts, and emotions fell out of my mouth. And that's what I need to focus on; I have people to call, people to talk to. 

And I have myself. I'm able to reframe my thoughts. Make a cup of tea. Curl up on the couch. Watch TV, read, write. I'm able to go for a walk or run. Listen to music. I'm able to be positive or at the very least, try to be. 

I started this blog back in August, and eventually got into the habit of posting at least every weekday. And I enjoy it. It makes me more observant of what's going on around me, I've connected to a lot of people, and I think it's helped me to learn more about myself. At the same time, it takes a lot of time and it creates more questions. I compare myself to others and end up putting more pressure on myself. Not cool. 

So, this is what I'm thinking: I'm still going to blog. And I might post something every weekday. But I don't have to. I'm going to relieve some of the pressure I put on myself (or try to, at least). I want this space to be authentic and I don't want to post something just for the sake of posting something. I haven't yet and I want to keep it that way. (Confession: I feel guilty for even writing this. I don't know why. I'll still be posting frequently, maybe even as often as I do now, but I feel like a failure. And like I'm letting people down. Which is silly. Ridiculous, even. Sheesh, the pressure we put on ourselves!) 

Anyway, I know that there were things that made me happy this week, I just wasn't as aware of that happiness as I usually am because of my mind being tricky. The happy things I was aware of include: 

+ The sky. I've gotten in the habit of looking up at the sky often while walking somewhere. And I love whatever I see. If it's grey, I feel safe and cozy. Blue, I feel carefree and hopeful. I snapped the picture above Thursday morning and couldn't stop smiling. Clouds are magical

+ The same elderly gentleman I mentioned last Friday waved to me again this week. 

+ Going to bed at 10 last night and sleeping in until 6 this morning. 8 whole hours of sleep. 

+ Drinking a Tim Hortons coffee this morning. It's been weeks since I've had any and I enjoyed every gulp. 

+ My interim evaluation was fantastic. (Which leads to more questions, but that's okay.)

+ Talking to Melissa Wednesday night. We talked for a long time, about school, family, our hopes and fears. Sounds kind of silly, but I really appreciated it. 

What made you happy this week?


  1. I hate when my brain does that to me. And it never stops with one doubt, but awakens every single insecurity so that it is hard to reframe or have proper perspective.

  2. You are so right! It can be hard to reframe negative thoughts, but I'm going to keep trying!


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